How is everyone coping with the presidency? How is everyone else dealing with the sense of dread they get when they look at the weather report and can see the noticeable change in climate? How does everyone feel about the giant island of congealed plastic floating around the Pacific ocean? I feel bad, but I can't eat this Ultra Carmel Frappuccino from Starbucks with my fingers, better get the jumbo straw.
People deal with their problems in different ways, and as for me, I like to escape this reality by diving deep into this MCU fantasy. I am way past fandom and I am now straight onto fanatic, to the point where I now own all the movies on BluRay solely to listen to the director's commentaries. Damn it feels good to be single AF. I grew up on blockbuster movies (which I think should be referred to as Spielbergs) and comics, and each time I sit down in the theater to watch a Marvel movie for the first time, I get the same excitement that 8-year-old Pickles got when he held the Kodak VHS tape that contained the original Star Wars movies, recorded off the TV.
The release of these movies has set the rhythm for my free time. I watch one, get to talk about it for a month, predict the next movie for another month, and then anxiously wait a month for the next one to come out. And even though just about every single one of my ideas are wrong, I still love to bullshit about it, and that my friends, is what this article is about; Avengers 4...sight, 4told, Avengers foretold..... bad puns, it's about bad puns.
Let's start with the last Avengers flick.
Fuck Chris Pratt, right?
They had the glove, but he had to slap Dwayne the purple- steroid-infused- Rock Johnson (they used all the good Thanos jokes in the movie) across the face and it fucks the whole thing up. Obviously, this is part of Dr. Strange's Plan. He says "It was the only way" as turns to dust in the wind. I don't understand why this is an internet fan theory. This IS the only way the Avengers win, Duh. Didn't everyone get that the first time through, I did, and I went to community college? Dr. Strange states that there is only one way to win and as he dies says it again, he clearly wanted all of this to happen, which brings us to the end of Antman.
But before that, a quick piece for Marc Bernardin. Mr. Bernardin, I am a very big fan of the things you write and say, but you are wrong on this one. On Fatman on Batman (which is my favorite podcast) Marc says the love between Star Lord and Gamora isn't setup correctly in the movies and he doesn't believe in their love. The best way I can sum up my feelings on these two characters is like this; both these characters are badasses, and if either Gamora, or Star Lord, was being lowered down into the carbonite pit, they would both say "I Know" to the other one. Imagine if Han Solo was in a relationship with another Han Solo. There would be no PDA with that couple. They'd either be fucking or fighting. Star Lord and Gamora are totally in love. (didn't think you'd read that in a comic book article did you?) If Star Lord had been killed by Thanos, Gamora would have reacted the same way in the same situation. I think it's because Marc grew up in a loving household and understands how healthy relationships are supposed to work, I, however, come from a different style of rearing, and completely understand unhealthy relationships, much like the characters in the film. Both characters were stolen at a young age and raised by space pirates and I'm sure they didn't hear "I love you" very often, and they brought that same mentality into their adult relationships. They are not going to very open about their relationship. My point Mr. Bernardin is that they totally head over heels for each other and it started in the first GOTG movie. They are banging, and they are making little guardians of the galaxy.
Anyways, back to how Dr. Strange needed Thanos to snap his fingers precisely at that moment, and how it relates to Antman. During the mid-credits scene from Antman, we see Antman stuck in the quantum realm because all the Pyms become dust in the wind. Keep in mind the family had just been reunited after 20ish years apart, dick move, Fiege, dick move. To get out of this realm, Antman is going to figure out how to time travel/ jump dimensions using some subatomic exposition bullshit. And I have two different ending depending on whether its' time travel or different dimensions. But first, let's talk about the things I want to see in the movie first.
I'm excited for Nick Fury to meet the Black Panther. It's the blackest motherfucker from the 90s meeting the millennial version of the blackest man in movies. Do you think they have Samuel L Jackson kneel to the king of Wakanda? Does he slap him across the face and ask where has Wakanda been during the past 250 years of slavery and oppression? Is it racist that a white kid from NH thinks this is a big moment in Black pop culture? Anyway it goes down, it will offend someone, because of America in 2018, and I'm glad I don't have to write that scene.
Thor deserves to have a good day. Out of all the Avengers, Thor has lost the most, and mostly everything. His mom dies in the Dark World. His brother fucks him over all the time. His dad dies. His sister takes over his planet and he has to blow it up to save it. His brother stops being a dick, tries to save Thor, and ends up dying. Then the big purple monster blows up the remaining members of his race. Plus, I think his girlfriend broke up with him? With the ending of Infinity War, I think they are setting up to kill off all the OG Avengers and have all the new Avengers take over. Ironman, Cap, and Thor are going to offed in the next movie. I hope Thor either goes out like the fucking god he is or, instead of dying, he goes into retirement as a member of the Guardians of the Galaxy and solves mysteries in a van with a rabbit and a tree. He needs a win.
The most biggest thing I am looking forward to seeing is the Captain America, Ironman reunion. I'm gonna cry. But before I can get into the Cap Iron reunion, I have to explain my ending theories.
First, the one I don't like.
In this version, Antman learns how to hop into different dimensions. Captian Marvel, with the remaining Avengers, are strong enough to keep Thanos distracted while Scott uses his newfound skills to phase into the Soul Stone. The stone contains the souls of all the people killed when Thanos snapped his fingers. He conducts a cosmetic level jailbreak and releases all the lost heroes and people, but also somehow awakens the Adam Warlock we saw at the end of GOTG 2. All the Avengers team up again, there is a massive space battle with every character in the MCU. Captian Marvel and Adam Warlock sit on the sidelines, like Adam Warlock and the Silver Surfer do in the book, waiting for the Marvel gods to show up. Thanos ends up getting spanked and the glove goes to Adam Warlock for protection and everyone is happy. however, the OG Avengers probably die in the fight and the new Avengers take over. The post credit scene is Antman talking about how there are millions of different dimensions, but he calls the current dimension the 616, because it took him six hundred and sixteen tries to get back to the right one.... credits....or black screen, because it's post-credits.
Meh, it's ok, it' be cooler if Marvel had the Silver Surfer.
Now, for the good ending.
Tony Stark makes his way back to earth in the GOTGs ship. He meets up with the Avengers. Ironman meets Cap and they cry, and I cry, and Kevin Smith can be heard crying from east coast to west coast. Tony looks Steve in the eyes and says to him:
"You were right. You were always right. I have been trying to fix everything by myself. I killed a kid. Peter died because of me. I broke the Avengers apart trying to save the world alone. We could have stopped this if I listened to you, and we did it your way, together."
Or something like that, but better. The point is Tony fucked up, but he knows how to fix it. He pulls up Friday in the Avengers tower computer and tells her to search for codename AT-AT. The signal from the homing device Tony put on Scott while he was in prison is very small, but coming from somewhere over the Hudson River. Tony puts on his newest going out suit and flies over the river but finds nothing. Friday scans the area and finds a van registered to Hank Pym. Tony flies down and opens the back of the van. After Friday and Tony figure out what the machine is, they are able to pull Scott out of the Quantum Realm. They bring Antman back to Avengers Tower, where he explains that he knows how to time travel using the Quantum Realm, but only has enough energy for him and one other person to use it.
The Avengers decide to send everyone they can to fight Thanos in space, while Tony and Scott travel back in time to the end of Avengers 1. They arrive in the middle of the Battle for New York. The portal Loki created is still open and Friday tells Tony that the warhead has launched and is heading into the city. Meanwhile, the space battle between the Avengers and Thanos starts and they have to keep Thanos distracted so he can't use the Time Stone to see what Tony is doing. Antman and Ironman fight their way across the battlefield to reach Captian America.
"Tony, where'd you get the new suit and I thought you were going after the bomb?"
" I was.... I am. There's two of me..... I'm from the future."
"Now isn't a good time to play games, Tony."
"OK, let me start over. We're going to stop Thanos."
"Who the heck is Thanos?"
Tony explains his plan. He needs Captian America to come with him through the portal to stop the end of half the world. Thor and Hulk need to stay behind because they are the only two strong enough to capture Loki and then close the portal. Antman needs to return to the future so they can find out if the plan works, and if it doesn't, he can reset the timeline a try again. Before Antman travels forward in time, Tony hands him a disc in case he doesn't make it back. Steve hops on Tony's back and they fly to the top of Stark Tower, grab Loki's Scepter, and wait for OG Ironman to fly through the portal with the nuke. They watch as he clips the side of the tower with the bomb on his back and they follow him into space. As the portal collapses, OG Ironman falls out of the sky and it cuts back to the Thanos battle in space. Captian America is barking orders at the other Avengers as he starts to fade away...
Tony and Steve float through space. The Ironman nano-tech suit has made a space suit for Cap. Friday searches for signs of life. The dead Chitauri army hovers all around them. They pick up a signal and head towards it. Drifting in the middle of what looks like an asteroid field is a giant purple man sitting on a stone throne.
Back to the battle against Thanos, and Captain Marvel has taken over command. Scarlet Witch puts up a shield wall to save Thor from an attack, but she starts to fade away like Cap did.
Captian America gets off Tony's back holding his shield, Loki's scepter, and a little Nanotech space mask around his face. Thanos spins around in his stone chair.
"Tony Stark, another man cursed with knowledge. I didn't plan to meet you so soon."
"Oh, we've met before Thanos, and I'm here to make sure we never meet again."
"You brought the stone back to me, that wasn't a wise decision."
"I think you'll like what I've done to it."
"Well, I didn't come here to talk," says Cap as he throws his shield at Thanos' head. Thanos catches the shield with one hand.
"You'd live longer if...." Tony blasts the shield hitting Thanos in the face and cutting him off mid-sentence. The three of them start fighting for the fate of half the universe. Cap uses the scepter like a WWII machine gun firing at Thanos' feet while Tony attacks him from above. Steve rolls over to his shield and throws it into Thanos' back. It ricochets back to Ironman who tosses it back at Thanos' head. Cap catches the rebound and tosses it to Tony, who uses the suits jets to discus throws it back at Thanos.
"You know, it is a lot better to be on this side of this shield volleyball attack," says Tony as shield hurtles towards Thanos.
"What do you mean?" asks Steve, but Thanos catches the shield and rips it in half with both hands.
"If you two are done, I'll take my stone back," says Thanos as he confidently throws the shield pieces to the ground. The two heroes go on the attack again, but this time Thanos isn't playing around and they are quickly overwhelmed. Thanos grabs Ironman by the foot and slams him to the ground. Steve runs in and tries to stab Thanos in the heart with the scepter. Thanos grabs Cap by the neck as he runs in and slams him on the ground next to Tony. He rips the scepter from his hands and tries pull the stone out.
Tony looks over at Steve. "You know, I think my dad was right about you. I'm sorry I ever disagreed with you."
"Tony, I've only known you for a few hours."
"True, and I'm sorry this you didn't get to know me better because I'm kind of a big deal." Tony flips open a computer on his forearm, Predator style, and the stone in Thanos' hand starts to beep. "But I think we knew this was a one-way trip."
Steve smiles "what do you mean, I could do this all...." the stone explodes in Thanos' hand wiping out the entire asteroid belt they had been fighting on.
Cut back to OG Ironman falling through the portal. He is unconscious, but in his hand is a yellow stone with a note that says
"DO NOT plug this into a computer. Give it to the Wizard, He'll keep it safe."
Hulk is smashing the portal machine and doesn't notice Ironman falling. Thor is chasing Loki through Stark Tower. Hawkeye watches helplessly as OG Ironman falls into the pavement. Tony Stark dies and he and Steve Rodgers are remembered as the heroes of New York. Credits roll.
Post credit scene - Antman arrives in the future to see a different cast of Avengers, but everyone is alive except for Tony, Steve, and Wanda. Scott puts the disc Tony give him in the computer at Avengers tower. After a few minutes, Tony's voice can be heard through the speakers.
"If you can hear this, then I am died, but not gone...."
So, that got WAY more fan-fictiony then I wanted, but DAMN did I have fun.
Antman is definitely going to time travel and they are going to call this movie Avengers 4ever, which is a play on an Avengers time travel book, Avengers Forever, and that is why that haven't released the name of the fourth movie yet. (This is the only real prediction in here and yes I totally intentionally brought the story back around to bad 4 puns.)
If you're going to kill off Ironman, you have to do it at the end of Avengers 1. That portal fucked up Tony Stark. He has been paranoid ever since. It caused him to make Ultron. It caused him to split up the Avengers.
If you are going to time travel, and if you are going to kill Tony Stark, you have to let him go back through that portal and correct whatever insecurities he has from it, so he can rest at peace.
` I also think Chris Evans is done with the superhero thing. Having both of them go through the portal, jump on figurative grenades to save half the world, and dying in each other arms, is some great poetic fanboy service.
I'm sure none of the stuff I wrote about here will ever come to pass. And I'm sure once I see Captain Marvel, I'll have a whole new ending. Mostly because right now, I'm not sure how she fits into Avengers 4ever, besides being strong AF. So please let me know what I got wrong because I will clearly talk about this shit all day long to anyone that will listen, or read.